Back in 2003 I was interviewed for an article about dealing with difficult relatives at Christmas. I have been asked to re-publish that article, as it is nearly Christmas and some people found the advice handy.
Last week I ran a teleseminar on Feedback. One of the topics that came up from one of the participants was how to give feedback to a colleague who had bullied someone else in a meeting (of Directors) and was virtually boasting about it to others.
I have also had requests for help from people trying to deal with difficult behaviours at home. For all of you, here is the original article plus a few extra bits.
With Christmas Day falling on a Thursday this year, a leading behaviourist says the season of goodwill could actually become a battleground with families being packed together for up to four days.
Nancy Slessenger says, “Christmas is an artificial experience. It bears little resemblance to normal living. It is the one time of year when two or three generations can be packed in a house together. They start with good intentions, but tempers can flare, often sparked by trivial arguments.
“Instead of using the carving knife on the turkey, your thoughts turn to your husband – or his mother!”
But Nancy says there are ways of avoiding such extreme action and simple tricks to prevent family rows from becoming permanent rifts.
Nancy, author of ‘Understanding Misunderstandings’, says “We all know what it’s like to be frazzled in the kitchen when a family member, quite often an in-law, comes in and tells us how to cook the meal!
“Don’t shout. Ignore their advice but turn the tables by peppering them with questions such as – ‘So, what are your thoughts on stuffing? Home made or bought? And what do you cook the roast potatoes in, lard, goose fat, corn oil or duck fat? What do you think of Delia’s recipe? And do you still use Tupperware like the Queen?
“Pretty soon they’ll be sick of your questions and you won’t be bothered ever again.”
Nancy also has advice about handling the Christmas moaning Minnies.
“Don’t try and jolly them out of their misery – use the technique of being even more negative than they are!
“If they complain about the turkey say, ‘Yes, I agree it’s dreadful. We’ll all probably get food poisoning. Let’s throw it away and have some toast instead.’
“Or if they moan about their presents say, ‘Okay, we’ll take them to Oxfam next week if you don’t want to keep them.’
“Adopt this negative technique and they’ll soon stop moaning. If you try and be positive with them, you will make them even more negative.”
Some Additional Advice
That was the article, here’s an extra tip to keep you sane.
Bullies At Christmas
If you have relatives that tend to bully others, set clear boundaries. Be straight about the rules and what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Bullies are people who are behaving like five-year-olds and need to be treated as such, till they learn how to behave like adults.
The reason they are bullying you is because you are treating them as though they are grown up and allowing them to behave badly.
What’s really sad is that they need love and attention but just don’t know how to get it. Everything they do means they get less love and attention, which paradoxically means they need more.
I spent five hours once coaching a man who terrified his work colleagues. He shouted at me and got very upset. After several hours he complained that ‘no one ever helped him with his problems’.
I asked him ‘I’ve been here since 9am, three hours ago. What do you think I’ve been trying to do?’ He looked at the floor. ‘After all the effort I’ve put in this morning, how do you think I felt when you said that nobody every helped you?’
His face went red and he looked at me and said ‘Sometimes I just need a hug.’ I was completely astonished and noticed that he was near to tears.
What To Say
Take the bully by the horns and be clear on what the boundaries are, just like you would with a five-year-old:
‘You can have your presents when you have finished clearing the table. Only people who help out get their presents.’
It will make your life a whole lot easier over the festive season.
To go with this blog there is s special offer, valid till 4th January 2010. This coupon gives you 25% off any of our products that help you to deal with ‘difficult people’. They are all on this page of our site:
http://www.vinehouse.co.uk/difficultshop.htm
To get the discount, just put this into the box asking for the coupon code: DIFFICULT RELATIVES
Then click the ‘apply’ button.
Let me know what you have to put up with at Christmas and please share your tips on how to do it.